Friday, January 1, 2010

How to Survive 2012

Everyone seems to be talking about how the world is about to end in 2012. A variety of reasons include 1) a big-ass chunk of rock named Eros is about to make super close contact with planet earth (nah, it's going to hit the planet), 2) ancient mayans have prophesized that this was the same date the whole universe was created so we'll all get sucked into some black hole and everything of existence will become, err, well, none existent (or we might just all blowup) 3) Global warming takes its toll and we get swept away with weather-related catastrophies (we should've listened to Captain Planet) and /or 4) war, well, need I explain?

These are all just hoaxes and ways to excite humanity because quite frankly, I think mankind has been bored to death trying to search for a purpose of existence. There's more to life than a day in the office, getting laid, making money and blogging. So hell, let's just pretend that 2012 is the day where we all die. Wow. As for the first reason, well, I'm no rocket scientist but I'm sure the people in Nasa have an answer for that. Yep. We need old man Bruce Willis again to save the world by selflessly vlounteering himself to blow up that Erotic piece of rock lined with Gold, sulfur and other yellow stuff. The 2nd reason still confuses me as research has told me that this marks the end of the baktuns, a way of counting days and stuff. Quite frankly, I don't see the difference of that from Christmas or Labor Day. I don't think it's going to kill us all when the Mayans proved they knew how to count more than a hundred thousand days. For the thrid reason, i have to say, that is pretty close to truth. Although I have to bring up the fact that people have been planting more trees and it seems that media has told us all to conserve, reuse and recycle. But just for good measure, I'm sure all of us know how to swim and that there are boats to help get rid of the problem, if not float over it. Lastly, I think war, too, is overrated and they will somehow develop a way of turning warring nations and their leaders into willing and nerdy digital gaming flok. Yes. Land is taken by digitally annihilating your opponent in a game of Red Alert 3 or Command and Conquer. I can imagine, Barrack Obama and Kim Jong Il going at it. Soviet Supremacy versus Allied Determination. Of course, the thing that powers these gaming consoles will be Nuclear Power planst. Or the warheads themselves. So hell, peace on earth is granted. Let gaming violence commence!

One thing I know ahout the apocalypse and all these factors that have contirbuted to its popularity in 2012 is this:

The world is going to end with a zombie apocalypse. Everyone knows it.
Firstly, a big-ass rock could carry some special virus ion it that turns everyone and everything into mindless, bloodthristy and violent walking (and running) corpses. Secondly, that mayan bullcrap could actually bring out some sort of ancient spell that turns the living into undead creatures and the already dead walking (and running) with them. Thirdly, well, I have to say this was tricky, but I figured it out. People will be so hungry taht they'd go cannibalistic and start eating other people's flesh. Hunger makes a beast out of everyone and the only survivors left will be...the vegetarians. Lastly. Well, the typical nation-creates-a-virus scene where a sudden outbreak occurs and humanity screws itslef up- BIGTIME!

So now that we're sure that the zombie apocalypse is what's happening on 2012, let's move on to what we want to do for mankind to continue existing:

1) Always have a gun with you- You can never leave a good gun behind. Regardless of weight or firepower, guns are the basic tools taht serve as that demarcation line between certain zombiedom or survival of the species. Whether you're locked up in a barricade defending you dear lives or making it through a designated evac shelter, guns are your bestfriends. Worried about killing the ones you love who used to live? Well. just let a team member do it for ya. Make sure you have the irght combination of guns. While Assault rifles fire endlessly and more accurately, a good shotgun is always handy to have around for those shock and awe moments with undead bosses.

2) Always travel in groups of 4-5. The fifth being a decoy and the 4 set to where they're suppposed to go. The fifth guy should always-always- be the impotent and helpless one. If you're going to have a renwed human race, it's always important to keep in mind what kinf of people we want to inherit survival in a damned planet;. There must always be a female to. Brunette, blond, asian or whatever, they must always be protected first- you can't expect s guy to carry a baby right?

3) Make sure you have a handy dandy flare ready.. to hell with it, make sure you got everything!- Just enough to get you to a safe spot and make as many babies as you can. Also, take note of looking out for other survivors. the mroe the mrerier right? Plus, you can't have too many decoys around. More men means more firepower and more women means nore chances for the human rce to survive.

4) Make sure you're in a very safe place. A mall has lots of supplies. A big-ass house would prevent more zombies from entering your home.

Well, these are my tips to survive 2012. I'll come back with some more.